Eleventh page IV

Noon. I like noon. It’s like the break time of the day. A break time indeed. Resistance is sounding in my ear. Once again, this is a movie, and we need a nice turn. The day has gone by and it got better as it got late. Night time must be coming within a few minutes. Everyone is on their own phone smiling and getting detached from routine in their own way, focusing on their own interests. We had a nice little chat. Again, about Venezuela. We concluded,  and I want to affirm it so, that we, the Venezuelans, could be, perhaps, the people with the thinnest, or smallest, social gap in the region. The poor, the rich and many in between get to meet at jobs and universities.  I understand it is not that way among our neighbors. Mexico,  or Colombia, don’t seem to be so. In fact they seem to be quite the opposite: a whole well determined social scale where they avoid to mix up one another. That might explain why we get to meet people on similar social status, and it is a bit different when it comes to us. That doesn’t mean anything,  really, but somehow it adds some perspective about our process and culture.

 

Not a good soundtrack now. Sometimes YouTube fails thinking I want to listen to the same every time. I’m going to choose silence for now. I’m a bit sleepy but I should do something useful, but I can’t.  I’m too distracted. Even at work. Another effect of several counted. Let’s try to go to bed since the night is here with all of the darkness and noisy silence.  It’s hot, by the way.  

 

The night is here again. No records from the day time. Too much work, perhaps.  It was a Thursday today, but there’s no point in throwing it back, or forth. Let’s talk about layers, planes. We start see our lives in three dimensions once we get the depths of our thoughts.  Why thoughts and not actions? Because actions tend to take place within two dimensions.  Depths are reserved for thoughts,  for thoughts that rarely become actions. There are a lot of reasons why. The mind holds them behind so they can become places to visit, to stay there for a while and think about the irony of a life that needs deep thought to live it simple. How complex a simple life gets to be! Soap operas. Venezuela is famous for it. Let’s go back to the places: our thoughts and the lake of memories where they swim when not drown. Again, resentment,  a resentful person has more like a beach of big waves: anything can cause a flooding.  We try to be careful, but we live in the open, in the open solitude.  A lot of noise from the phone to be interested in, to keep us distracted, watching something else,  wishing solutions to rain like coffee, like faith from the sky, from heaven. We set ourselves away from actions. Two dimensions are not enough anymore. We need likes and forwards. This is the way now.  See you tomorrow!

 

Missteps. They can be the joke that seals a moment of seriousness. A sudden misstep exposes you, it reveals a good part of the way you are, and such revelations may tell others how strong or weak is your personality. Some of them can really hurt. I just did in front of a few. Fortunately for me,  I don’t work with them.  Car waiting. Lack of faith hitting me. Wine is here to the rescue. In the middle of Mickey Mouse on TV and the voices of a Soap Opera coming from the other phone. I’m here with my thoughts,  with them, and with you. Help me figure out, please! I’ve done the math too many times. I know how much I need. I’m not asking wealth, I’m asking for a fresh start. I don’t even care about recognition. I do this because it’s better to have it offered than just talk about it like everyone else. I want my son to see I did it. I’ve done it. I wanted to make it and I got it. I don’t care about what may come along with it. You know I mean it, but please. I need the push, te help, call it whatever you want to call it. But I need it. I really need it. Don’t make me get desperate, please! You know my body starts to burst my stress. You know how I implode. I can’t afford to implode. Get me out of here, please! I’m begging you. Please. I commend myself to you… as always!

 

Friday night. Still day light but not for much. We went out at noon. It was good. At some point I lost it but it was a good time.  Second languages have that, we have to tune ourselves up like a radio frequency,  but sometimes the signal fails. Today it did. It was failing. I was trying to understand but I got behind so I decided to play the character of “El Diente Roto”. I’m not sure if there is indeed an English version called The broken tooth. In the story, the guy just stop talking, because of the broken tooth. So everyone took him for Wiseman because he remained silent. As I was today. And kind of like the story, it was nothing about wisdom. In my case, it was just lack of focus. Being poor is like having impotence by your side all the time, and learn to love it, accept it, embrace it. Any decision,  any attempt of whatever your feelings pushes for, will end up filtered by the impotence that make you company.  I want to get out: no, no? no, no! Just, no. Poor are forced to think twice and swallow it as bitter as it is. There are sweetener,  nor softener to take it better. And not taking it isn’t an option. It is also contagious: everyone around is bitter now: sad, angry. Impotence is quite a parasite. So fate says embrace it and faith says hold on. What I think about it doesn’t really matter.  Let’s play some music at least. 

 

Eleventh page III

 

Let’s try to break this down: a bad moment has triggered an old failure I thought I forgot. I was wrong. It actually floated up as the drinking was getting me. So I remember not wanting to. Next act I spitted it all like a mind vomiting. Alcohol does that too. Now I have this failure moment attached to the recent bad news I got. They are now related. So the news is processed and stored in my head labeled as I failed, when I first  thought that they were unfair at me. Was it a good experience? I really don’t know. I have to keep thinking about it. I have to think about it while not drinking, otherwise I’ll get back to it as an endless spiral, or until time and oblivion do what they do. I exist as I think. I have neighbors, I know other Venezuelans who try hard as immigrants.  We have chosen a destiny in which we have to prove our worth to be accepted,  understanding that such acceptance comes with a judgement, and such judgement may undermine our true worth, or at least the concept we have of it. It makes this whole experience tough,  but tough is also the life we left behind.  Do we exist? Do they exist? When do we realize of our existence? When it hurts, or when it bothers us? I don’t add happiness because probably that’s the one we save for ourselves,  for our own amusement.  Nap time. I’m hungry. I wish I could save moments like this forever.  After crying like a little girl out of impotence,  this is very comforting. My spot, my silence, my thoughts fighting one another to be served here, without any order consideration. Sunday afternoon with no music for now. The toilet is making its own noise with no previous flushing.  I wonder. The night is greeting from the window I am next to. There is a door right beside it that takes you to the balcony.  It is the kind of those that has a glass-wood combination style. It is broken on one side, by the way. Maintenance said it is already ordered, but it’s been a couple of months since I reported it. Anyway. I was having a peaceful moment that today I just forgot. It’s Monday now. It’s early.  It's still dark. I dreamed at lot last night. I was in Caracas, always in Caracas,  my Caracas. I was there but I wasn’t,  really.  It was not a memory.  It was some weird present time with myself there walking through the streets as I remember, only that somehow I was conscious that I didn’t live there. I couldn’t tell if it was a trip what I dreamed about.  I just remember being there, hanging around; explaining the difference between both places: here and there. I could sense some sort of resentment. Now I kind of understood that it was my resentment,  the one I hide because I feel ashamed of it. I’m home now, wondering. I saw something good on social media. It turns out that Dr. Kanoche is going to have a movie. Caracas, if I haven’t said it already,  is a valley. There is a big mountain that surrounds a good part of the city. That mountain is called cerro el Avila,  despite  Chávez insistence to change its name. Deep in the mountain lies a mansion, as far as I can remember,  the mansion is named the ruins of Kanoche. According to the story, he was a doctor that learned how to mummify corpses. I would enjoy that movie when I get the chance to watch it. I just watched Simón,  the movie. It summarizes a lot of we’ve been through,  a lot of what we thought then. I was already an adult when the story told took place but I saw a lot of what’s told there. Good movie. You can tell why we have become in the biggest exodus of western culture. Modern times have a different meaning to Venezuelan. Modern times is story of unwanted farewells and a tough adaptation.  This is us. This is us now. God bless us all! The day has gone by quiet, with no complaints so far. That’s good. I like quiet. There is an engine that makes everything shake in the house, I believe is the air conditioning system. The glasses tell everyone about it. Everyone on their on social media: searching; searching the endless search. A search turned into a finger movement I call scrolling. Thumbs work out more than the people who hold them. I am no different; my thumb is the one serving these lines. I’m listening to Soen while I can see the orange through the window resisting the farewell of blue. The night is coming.  Time to go to bed. Time for artificial light. Trees remain trees still. They’re getting ready to become shadows. Birds are looking for shelter. I have to do something about this wasp nest that is growing at the balcony. Wednesday. Work hours.  Inventory.  Sadness never asks for permission.  Sadness never cares if we are busy. It only takes a phrase, a simple phrase of impotence,  of disappointment,  even just a phrase of a satisfaction still unmet, to, to low your enthusiasm and lose any expectations from the day. Sun is not shining anyway. Not now at least. I woke up hopeful, thankful. Only not strong enough to bear the bitterness of any economic insight that reminds me how far I am from solvency, and that this is one more day of hanging in there, with no other expectation than hoping not to get worse, because it’s much easier to go worse. Hope must be adapted I guess. Let’s get back to work. I thought I get a little, anything at the very least from doing this. It hasn’t happened yet. Not while these words are taking place and we are about to be 67.000 words work. I’m not planning to quit or whatever, but the necessity of resources is putting stupid ideas in my head and I feel like I want to write them down. One of them is to go back to Venezuela: better be poor there than here. I have to give it a second thought. I’m tired. I’m tired of being this way. I’m thinking about Galeano’s horizon: too many steps and it’s still far away. I’m not even losing weight from it. On the contrary, my belly grows as worried I get, and I’m worried on daily basis. I’m grateful too. Let’s keep going. Algún culo echa sangre, we colloquially say back there. Not yet, only not yet… but it will! I can feel it. 

Eleventh page II

 

A few words for thinking,  for realizing.  Coughing can’t be hidden, Coughing  and diarrhea can’t get along. I look up and try to get some answers from the ceiling but the ceiling seems to be cracked.  I guess the words can be switched and changed,  so the idea will vanish, despite my insistence.  Let’s get some water. It’s kind of late. Mom, I love you. You have no idea how big is my admiration to you.  Papi, I love you with all my heart. Bienbo, I love you and I’m proud of you too. Let’s brush my teeth, the remaining ones. Another issue that comes with age, teeth care. Here we go. Here we stand. I stand. I’m still standing,  I guess. Let’s go to bed then. Maybe tomorrow will bring hope. Why not!

 

Thank you, God. I wish I could have that every month. I always appreciate your help. I’ll keep doing my best. I have no other choice but these confessions, the commitment and my hard work. Take it slow from Ray Wilson. I found out about this song not too long ago. It’s just great. It feels like I want to keep on writing and enjoy my time in the office. I love it. Let’s get back to work now. Es war nicht alles schlecht but in this case it’s more like not everything is that good. It never is. We must deal with it. I hope to get there. I’m willing to get there. Friday of contrasts, of feelings crossed.  Crossed is my mind right now. I need to play more music and get back to work. 

 

Saturday morning.  The first to carry on. I can see the day coloring from the windows. I can see the windows from the kitchen. I stand. I look into the black mirror from here. I can hear the coffee machine drumming with the steam. I can smell it. I’m making arepas too. I’m not a good arepa maker but this is the thing with breakfast: I woke up first so I think I should do it. Only that nobody would like them, so the discomfort continues, and it might just get worse as the day goes on. I better enjoy this time alone.  Coffee time. What would it be the most expected further moves after being disappointed? Could it be taking it on others as some sort of draining mechanism? It May tell us that mind can’t deal with sadness as it does with anger. Anger seems to be more fuel-type. We might say that sadness has not been well embraced during early years, so when the feeling is taking over it is rejected as a false anger, or as false cynicism. A cynical or resentful person can sometimes be someone whose sadness was not accepted in the past. Or perhaps this is too cliché, and cliché is as well trying to find psychological explanations over something, anything.  Sometimes things just happen and they are taken differently because we don’t feel the same way everyday with everyone at everything. Life is variable,  contradictory,  and ceases in time. Coffee is gone: shall I take more or just get back to the room? I’m absorbed in my own contradictions, so I’m alive, I guess. Again: thank you. This has nothing to do with you. See you in words later!

 

It’s quiet. I just feel wordless and thoughtless. I haven’t found a way to serve while I can. I guess find contradictions inspiring for words. The worst time, the better. It looks like a beautiful day, like a beautiful morning. I need a few more voice to incorporate.  This silence is kind of worrying.  It’s getting me anxious.  I should read a book and get another coffee. I’m almost 12 hours of fasting. I don’t think I’ll get anything more than that. I’m hungry, but perhaps it’s the anxiety manifesting.  I don’t know.  I made 13. So I can say I’m committed to it. The vibe is turning stable, birds sing along for it. I see it that way. Back to the source of my words. I still wonder who made us believe – we, the Venezuelans – that college degree would take us to a higher position in our society.  This is an interesting topic to think about. In my opinion,  a influential factor among the immigrants, specially among those who have one step in an office and one step in a warehouse.  The fake distinction is overwhelming. Some of them actually see themselves as high class but understanding that it is only among immigrants. It is beyond comprehension. Germans have a regulation over the purity of the beer. It's called Reinheitsgebot. Those people take it seriously and we can tell every time we taste a german beer. Prost! Afternoon is here, here to stay for a while. We will get indoors soon. It’s unavoidable.  But we can enjoy the balcony for a little more. Let’s enjoy it. From beer to wine: to Californian wine. Cheers now! Accidents happen now and again on TV.  We’re here, chilling. The night  is not here yet. I have a couple of more hours of daylight.  How to train your dragon now. Let’s see how long the movie keeps him focus. It doesn’t matter. It didn’t do it that much.  We were talking,  I would like to die  in Caracas. Not sure that I want to go back. I have to visit a lot of people, but I don’t think I’m going to live there again. Sometimes I feel desperate but I usually tend to come around. The night is here: welcome.  Apparently, nobody loves me. I’m poor and a loser.

 

Well, here I stand. That’s up to the others, not to me. I keep myself writing. I have nothing left. Will I ever get my vengeance? It seems I won’t.  It seems that I will have to bear this for a long time. I would like it to be different.  I have nothing  but commit myself to destiny,  to you. Walk me through,  please! The day is gone. I’m nonsense now. Let’s just laid that see. Tomorrow it’s another day.  God bless you all.  Sunday.  Not vey funny. It’s time for a walk to the park; to the playground.  I’m having a coffee.  Not fasting today.  Too much from yesterday. Magnetic tiles all over the floor. Bad moments trigger interesting thoughts.  As long as they remain thoughts, I think we can get good things from them.