Eleventh page II

 

A few words for thinking,  for realizing.  Coughing can’t be hidden, Coughing  and diarrhea can’t get along. I look up and try to get some answers from the ceiling but the ceiling seems to be cracked.  I guess the words can be switched and changed,  so the idea will vanish, despite my insistence.  Let’s get some water. It’s kind of late. Mom, I love you. You have no idea how big is my admiration to you.  Papi, I love you with all my heart. Bienbo, I love you and I’m proud of you too. Let’s brush my teeth, the remaining ones. Another issue that comes with age, teeth care. Here we go. Here we stand. I stand. I’m still standing,  I guess. Let’s go to bed then. Maybe tomorrow will bring hope. Why not!

 

Thank you, God. I wish I could have that every month. I always appreciate your help. I’ll keep doing my best. I have no other choice but these confessions, the commitment and my hard work. Take it slow from Ray Wilson. I found out about this song not too long ago. It’s just great. It feels like I want to keep on writing and enjoy my time in the office. I love it. Let’s get back to work now. Es war nicht alles schlecht but in this case it’s more like not everything is that good. It never is. We must deal with it. I hope to get there. I’m willing to get there. Friday of contrasts, of feelings crossed.  Crossed is my mind right now. I need to play more music and get back to work. 

 

Saturday morning.  The first to carry on. I can see the day coloring from the windows. I can see the windows from the kitchen. I stand. I look into the black mirror from here. I can hear the coffee machine drumming with the steam. I can smell it. I’m making arepas too. I’m not a good arepa maker but this is the thing with breakfast: I woke up first so I think I should do it. Only that nobody would like them, so the discomfort continues, and it might just get worse as the day goes on. I better enjoy this time alone.  Coffee time. What would it be the most expected further moves after being disappointed? Could it be taking it on others as some sort of draining mechanism? It May tell us that mind can’t deal with sadness as it does with anger. Anger seems to be more fuel-type. We might say that sadness has not been well embraced during early years, so when the feeling is taking over it is rejected as a false anger, or as false cynicism. A cynical or resentful person can sometimes be someone whose sadness was not accepted in the past. Or perhaps this is too cliché, and cliché is as well trying to find psychological explanations over something, anything.  Sometimes things just happen and they are taken differently because we don’t feel the same way everyday with everyone at everything. Life is variable,  contradictory,  and ceases in time. Coffee is gone: shall I take more or just get back to the room? I’m absorbed in my own contradictions, so I’m alive, I guess. Again: thank you. This has nothing to do with you. See you in words later!

 

It’s quiet. I just feel wordless and thoughtless. I haven’t found a way to serve while I can. I guess find contradictions inspiring for words. The worst time, the better. It looks like a beautiful day, like a beautiful morning. I need a few more voice to incorporate.  This silence is kind of worrying.  It’s getting me anxious.  I should read a book and get another coffee. I’m almost 12 hours of fasting. I don’t think I’ll get anything more than that. I’m hungry, but perhaps it’s the anxiety manifesting.  I don’t know.  I made 13. So I can say I’m committed to it. The vibe is turning stable, birds sing along for it. I see it that way. Back to the source of my words. I still wonder who made us believe – we, the Venezuelans – that college degree would take us to a higher position in our society.  This is an interesting topic to think about. In my opinion,  a influential factor among the immigrants, specially among those who have one step in an office and one step in a warehouse.  The fake distinction is overwhelming. Some of them actually see themselves as high class but understanding that it is only among immigrants. It is beyond comprehension. Germans have a regulation over the purity of the beer. It's called Reinheitsgebot. Those people take it seriously and we can tell every time we taste a german beer. Prost! Afternoon is here, here to stay for a while. We will get indoors soon. It’s unavoidable.  But we can enjoy the balcony for a little more. Let’s enjoy it. From beer to wine: to Californian wine. Cheers now! Accidents happen now and again on TV.  We’re here, chilling. The night  is not here yet. I have a couple of more hours of daylight.  How to train your dragon now. Let’s see how long the movie keeps him focus. It doesn’t matter. It didn’t do it that much.  We were talking,  I would like to die  in Caracas. Not sure that I want to go back. I have to visit a lot of people, but I don’t think I’m going to live there again. Sometimes I feel desperate but I usually tend to come around. The night is here: welcome.  Apparently, nobody loves me. I’m poor and a loser.

 

Well, here I stand. That’s up to the others, not to me. I keep myself writing. I have nothing left. Will I ever get my vengeance? It seems I won’t.  It seems that I will have to bear this for a long time. I would like it to be different.  I have nothing  but commit myself to destiny,  to you. Walk me through,  please! The day is gone. I’m nonsense now. Let’s just laid that see. Tomorrow it’s another day.  God bless you all.  Sunday.  Not vey funny. It’s time for a walk to the park; to the playground.  I’m having a coffee.  Not fasting today.  Too much from yesterday. Magnetic tiles all over the floor. Bad moments trigger interesting thoughts.  As long as they remain thoughts, I think we can get good things from them.