Nineth page IV

 

Fifty thousand and counting. Not bad for an amateur, right? Women are meant to be loved, not understood. Oscar Wilde said, or I just read it somewhere. A Provider left me a message saying to call her to clarify some information,  and now she has me waiting for so long when I called her back. Don’t get me wrong, I do go by Wilde’s quote. I never try to understand,  I only love, love and desire, it's unavoidable.  Desire and recreate, it came with me. I’ve been carrying it my whole life. It turned out it was my mistake, and somehow I knew it already. I’m good now. Back to work. I need more coffee. Let’s see. I was thinking about the chavistas, the poor ones, those with zero help from the party, nor the high commanders. The ignored ones. The ones who actually sustain the government apparatus. There are several, a lot from what I see, who play the atheist role, only because communists don’t believe in religions, and they consider themselves as left-wing-like thinkers, so we, the ones who believe in God, are a bunch of fools manipulated by the imperial power of, anything related to United States (Yes, always United States for them) and they are free, free. What a word! What a concept! They feel free by being caught in such a system. At this point of my life, I don’t even criticize them. Not anymore. I just think of them once in a while. Like today. Venezuela is on the road to the presidentials and the chavistas want Maduro to win… again! It’s hard to assimilate.  It’s difficult to respect. It’s impossible to understand.  Let’s join the meeting. 

Saturday.  Back to my own things.  When you have things going on, it gets difficult to have a say on others, but that’s because I’m a man. As I man, things occupy a place in our head and remain there until we picture a possible solution,  or at least manage to procrastinate it. Like right now that I chose to write over taking care of it.  Breakfast. Nobody wants to make it. I feel lazy today. It’s too early. Sun is coming up. The day is showing some smiles for us to go out and find ourselves something to enjoy. I love you, son. I love you, mom. I love you, Bienbo. Colors are making their way throughout the apartment. The light is natural, like I said, sun is smiling at us. Everything looks better, feels better. Better is enough to keep going on. Poor. We are poor. I know it and acknowledge it since every time seems all the time. If I want something, it surely has to wait, like the drum set, or like any out of many things I need.

My mind, on the other hand,  has learned how to survive despite of me. In my mind is not money what I but what I think I need. And it makes me try harder, and be grateful for it. But it’s not, and like I just said; I know it. So when you ate poor you have to develop your patience and take to unimaginable states of mind. The poor is a master of patience… until we get some money. Again, hope; hope for deliverance,  like McCartney, or was hope of deliverance? Who cares! It’s not the point. Time to wipe, myself, and my ideas as well. I should get some wine, you know. I’m having some, as a matter of fact.  I was thinking about our villain archetype, it’s more like Austin Power’s Dr. Evil type but not meant to be funny, it’s just that it has to be picturesque,  like we all are.  Own silences, own evocations. Memories that can’t be shared but it doesn’t mean that for that we will not live them. Saturday night at last. I made it! We made it! It’s peaceful now, so I can go back to the picturesque; magical realism, Gabriel Garcia Marquez called it. Well, not him, to be honest. His style of writing was called like that and he became the most prominent writer of it. That is because he was widely famous, he’s a Nobel prize winner. We have our Arturo Uslar Pietri, and some might claim he was the pioneer of such style. It doesn’t really matter. The need for recognition comes with the underdevelopment thinking and with the magical realism itself. We can’t help it. We lose the attention of a movie when we see that Venezuela is somehow present (named) in a scene. We see a Polar beer in a TV program and it becomes a reference right away. That’s how we are, and I get the feeling that here it’s another story, and such a story is still not found because we spend too much time denying our own reality,  and bringing it up as needed, and not to be understood.  We prefer to use our story to move, and as an excuse for keeping the way we are now, and not to make a point and start growing from there. We believe this is  temporary. That’s why we don’t even learn the language.  Let the kids do that instead. They might be the ones who stay at the end, and that, honestly,  it’s a point to consider. I’m getting old. It’s not even ten and I feel like going to bed. The life with a toddler: as wonderful as challenging.  I love it. Trying,  but lovely. God bless us all. I’m going to need your help. I’m not going to make it just by myself. Wine is gone, and thoughts got lost in the silence of listening and trying to understand, to share. My thoughts are hiding from the loud, they prefer the written voice. Like a drag of a cigarette when smoking alone out of the office. See you later! 

Nineth page III

 

Granny. Mom. What a memory we’re building, my love! I’m getting sleepy.  Some pages are calling me in but I feel like I want to pass. I wasted too much time already, so there’s no time to invest. It's kind of like any drug addict, only that their money is our time. Time that won’t come back, by the way. Money does it every now and then, at least. I can’t think about a job where we get paid of time, instead  of money. Time is not regulated by SEC, it can’t be a token to promote on a white paper. We just have to live it. It’s the only way to consume it wisely. Live it, live the time. Make it count.  Make it a story to tell, to share, to write about. It’s getting quieter, chillier, and I’m a bit tired but satisfied. I had some wine on Tuesday, and I plan to have some tomorrow.  Why not! Do I have a problem? I don’t think so. It’s always a few glasses. I don’t like getting drnk. It’s bad for words, for knowledge, and for some reason I feel this impulse to write and write and not paying attention to mistakes. I let others correct me. I really don’t care.

 

Voices, from a phone, from social media. I fee like I want to stop here and hear there, for nothing, for getting drugged at it. I also want to have Sex. I want to wet my lips but I’m not sure. It May be the wine. Car waiting. Very common in here. For families where everyone works, every morning is a new battle to overcome. The good thing is that, once on time; once at the place, we feel this sense of victory that might turn into fuel for the rest of the day. Today seems to be one of those days but I’m in the restroom and we’re going out, so I don’t have the time I wish to do what I’m doing. I kind of have to interrupt,  or hurry up – which is definitely not good – and incorporate myself into the rest. Back in the bathroom again.  It looks like a place to write – better than scrolling feeds from social media, right? – it’s private nonetheless. I just have to mind my legs so they won’t become numb for being like this for so long.

 

I wish I could take good part of your job. I know it’s exhausting. I feel you, and I want to help you but sometimes,  like this time, I’m unable to and I hate it. Life has never been about pleasing desires. We create and picture them as a response to a necessity we feed and grow for somewhat changes during our lifetime. As human, we need to believe that something different may, and will, happen if only, and that if only could be our biggest support to survive. Faith does that from time to time. Or perhaps faith is the word we use to understand it, to put it in words. Perhaps it can’t be explained, and that is the reason why there are so many desires floating around in silence. Car waiting again. I wonder if moments like this somehow get a discount in life, I mean, I’m not here because I want to, I’m just waiting, and waiting shouldn’t count as time spent. Back home. Couch guy. Wine on hand. Still day light. My boy is playing.  We’re all chilling.

After two oppositions candidates, the third seems to be the contender, so there will be elections in Venezuela,  the feast from baseball has passed, and the declaration of War against Guyana looks like it was forgotten. Now the elections is what matters in Venezuela.  The elections and the sanctions. My people are hopeful again and I wish I could they won’t be disappointed once more. They have had enough. Wine is gone. Time for a bath. Antagonist is on TV, what a band! What a song! Fire up your guns. I see myself as a stoic. For some reason I believe this will be rewarded someday. Maybe. I have a song now, and he’s right here with me. I said it was time for a bath. I haven’t taken it yet. I’m about to. I’m just waiting for the smoke to get lost in the air.

A new day. Waiting. In my country men are taught to wait, to wait for the ladies, at any situation, and to try not to make them uncomfortable by the waiting. I’m the man at home, and at work, so I wait a lot, as a matter of fact.  At this point of my life, it bothers me very little.  I can say I have mastered the art of waiting. I’m taking this time to serve words, for example.  I have had two coffees already. That should be enough for the morning. We’re going out. I was tempted to spend this time scrolling down the phone but words want me to put them here, so here they are: thoughts becoming a message, a timeless message,  for you, for them, even for myself.

Silence and coughing. The garbage guy couldn’t wait and it seems we must wait for a week that he comes again. I feel like it is my fault because I left the car in his way but, I don’t know, he could have blown his horn, I was literally at the other side of the wall. My apologies,  I guess. It was a quiet morning. I’m exhaling and getting the scent of the coffee I just had. Yes. The one I was not supposed to. As breath goes I place my memories in place but I feel unable fir it. Remembering is not like it used to be. I kind of have to try harder, and I always end up speaking about the same topic, and I feel too tired to go back and see what – or how many – topics I have just mentioned and never developed.  To be honest, this is real, real words for real thoughts. As anyone can see, pointless at some point (I like that) and life tends to put us under a spot for such a perspective: futility. I listen to music at least. There will come a moment in which you get this code, and perhaps you’ll crack it, and finally understand that wisdom is lent and not own, and it won’t matter how many words you are willing to by, or how many lies you are willing to consume to detach from this. You’ll be back, you’ll be here, with me, figuring ourselves out as the soul we once encountered. Read me, listen to voice I’m attaching behind every phrase. I’m not calling you out. I just need you to join me. The boy will, someday, somehow.  We might look a him doing it. We might be proud of him, but this is not his pressure, nor anyone’s.  Let the words collect, and let the rest alone. They just want to behold. We want to create. The sky is greeting, the debts are letting us carry on. We just have to survive, to believe, as all those people in Venezuela do now, once again, one more time. Hopes is coming, and God is watching. It’s time to let go, to open ourselves to the new. Words are increasing, growing.  Will you come down up to this point? How many times have I written point ad time so far? Ozzie won’t tell me. But the song is good though: no more tears…  Night has come. The blender is on, making its own music, kind of like drum solo. It stopped, at last and at least. I feel kind of sleepy but I should read a little, just to preserve the habit since I feel like I’m giving up on it. Why? I just don’t know. It might have something to do with social media and how is everybody nowadays. The cult of anxiety and fast dopamine.  The fast food of the eyes, and therefore the perception. So perception is disposable now, and that means that it has been industrialized, junk-like typed, and somewhat contaminated by the permanent inconsistency between the speed of the eye and the assimilation in time. Memory is not remaining as a consequence of all this. We can just laugh and share memes. And, of course, compete internally with those I don’t talk but I spy, because I have this need to defeat them. To show them that I’m cooler, that I post better stuff. Just like these words, I might trying to make a point, and prove that I can write. Only that I still don’t know to whom I’m writing. I mean, I would love my wife and my son to read it but they don’t need to come here to find me stating that I love them. They know it already. I try to express it in different ways. So these words should go beyond,  reach others, and become a key to a gathering. A gathering of thoughts that need to remain in time and be passed through generations.  Will they ever get that far? May be not, but I can believe and dream about it. Just like I have done it with so many things, and many people. I want Sex, by the way. I think of her and you and I’m with none of you. I just have to let it be words of whispers and sighs, and paint a little smile while I’m writing it. I said I should read before going to bed, a couple of pages at least. So see you later, I guess. 

Nineth page II

 

 

Engagement farming. How interesting is that! I wonder if it applies to our past, to our definition of things, or knowledge of what it happened, on what we think it happened. It’s kind of like a postulations pool, I bring something up and it will turn slowly into my personal vision which is, not necessarily, the truth of the whole. So we’re back picking concise crumbs from a bigger abstract cake. Our concise, not the concise, again; not necessarily. How harmless is that? A meeting is set. Friday has turned into afternoon. Another week saying goodbye to life. Office is quiet. I remember noisier times. Not here, there, where noise collected joy as it gets. I’m not saying there’s no joy in here. I believe that offices have a common ground when it comes to people’s behavior despite the cultural differences. This is more than a halfway meeting. I gave to pay. I have to pay a lot. I need to put that down. I’m optimistic today. Estrogen, it feels good when I’m surrounded by them. I feel like I want to do more, go further; improve. I feel this impulse to be better when I am with my son. I guess it’s natural. I was trying to get a better explanation of this connection, but my social media burnout pose won’t let me, so I guess I will have to make it up. So be it. Enjoy! In a kind of Charles Xavier style, I let my thoughts out of my head, and everyone does it the same way, we can’t just see them, but get them in our way, when driving, when walking, when trying to come up with own thoughts. It’s a mute noise, like the white noise, but unable to be heard. It’s more like an abstract picture. In fact, sometimes we get to see some pieces, but not the whole thing, not anyone’s at least. We barely see our own. The streets are full of those, of the living, and of those not around us anymore. Incomplete pieces that hold on for years to be decoded, and therefore understood. I want to make sure my son will get all mine at least. Not that they are the most valuable pieces of thoughts, but certainly they will be some of those he can decode when the time comes.  This is something we don’t do by ourselves. We need God, Angels, past lives souls to get every needed piece. You see, we’re talking about different universes and chronologies, about different places and figures.

 

Coffee smell. Voices asking. A space of silence from time to time. No answer to state. Emails to take care to. Spring and its moments. We just came back from the screenings. I felt this urge for checking if anyone has ever yet reacted to any of my social media posts. I have this fantasy in my head that I am some sort of discoverer, or it is just my ego playing with my thoughts and making me think that whatever I found, or create, constitutes somewhat something interesting for some people on the other side of the screens. The void when nothing is found, grows bitter and increase my intolerance, also my time spent on those feeds looking for nothing but wasting myself as it was a cigarette, a cigarette I light to see my questions floating with the smoke I exhale. I have exhaled enough for these days. I want more flour in my life. These diets and their crusades against wheat. Sometimes I think cigarettes brands sponsor such campaigns so people worry more about sugar intake than tobacco or alcohol. Don’t get me wrong, I love alcohol,  and I hardly get wasted because of it. I get more wasted on social media, it is a stronger drug.

 

Funny videos and cool pictures to then check who saw them a make up a whole narrative out of it. That person saw my profile, I can tell because of the recommendations to follow now. We have no people in common,  or we do, but I don’t talk to them, I just see their posts as I suppose they see mine. They want to know what I’m up to, if I am in better situation or I keep hanging in there like all of them. Immigrants and our picturesque view of life, of society.  Virtual society nowadays.  A few messages back and forth. We’ve got to keep the diplomacy,  we may not know when do we need her, him, them. They are full of shit, perhaps, but there is always the chance of success on the next move, and we all want to be close to the successful,  but not yet, no while they remain as they are now. It is just in case, just that. The narrative goes on, my life become archetype to model, I can see them copying me. I need to expand my spectrum: the world is more interesting than this. Yes, but nobody knows me, or give a fuck, only those I don’t speak to, so we ignore each other in the real world. We all have to work and pay after all. So there is not really too much time for the immense, nor for making peace, so we keep it in here, in the void, a void full voices, names and memories, all silent by the present and the unsure; the unknown. Better wonder than find out.

 

I see myself cool, still cool, after all. I can see it when she smiles at me. I believe I still got it. It can’t be just politeness,  it can’t be because I refuse myself to it, besides,  there is always a post suggesting me that this may be real, and may be is enough to trap myself into it. So I let my imagination fly, fly high and create a whole possible new reality, a successful one, so everyone comes back to talk to me again and flatter me this time. I woke up. I wasn’t even sleeping.  It’s time to go. Duties always knock on and out.

I’ll wait sounds in my ear, only one. I have to pay attention. Words coming in but with no story to place, instead, I’m just putting pieces together. Pieces of faith, of hope, and laugh at the suggested scenarios. In the end those things might never get to happen. I think I better go outside.

 

Nineth Page

 

Time to leave. Only not yet. There’s a little bit more for some words, words of waiting, waiting without expecting, expecting without hoping, and hoping to serve me a glass of wine. See you tomorrow, but not just yet. Still Thursday, it’s raining hard. Toto is on TV, and it’s probably one of the few things technology has to offer: Music wherever and whenever we want; anything, any band we like. That’s something to rescue, to appreciate, and I do, I do appreciate it. Wine is gone, time to bed is right here, I’m just taking advantage of the moment alone and get some words for service. Elections here, elections there. I feel like I want to say something about it but I guess it doesn’t get me like it used to, it’s more like I just don’t care. I never got a choice, at least nor there, neither here, but here I am and stand, for my wife, for my mom, and specially for my boy. Dad is in my heart but he’s still there. I hope that time won’t be cruel with us this time. Specially now that the vulnerability has been getting some strength on our hearts, on our faith. We stand strong, still stoical; this is a storm, sun will come tomorrow, to shine, and make us hope for the best with will, will for doing more, doing what it takes, whatever we might need that for. Too much bread, too much flour, it never bothered me before. It’s just this hype that flour and gluten turn into sugar and that is poison for the body. I think sniping someone else’s lives is more poisoning. Comparing oneself with anyone else as reference for what we should or should not do is the real poison. I gain weight as I work out, it’s kind of simple: no work out, more weight, and we set that balance with each day that goes by. It’s up to us, nobody can work out for us. Don’t let the sun go down on me, yes, specially on vulnerable times. Sorry seems to be the hardest word, and perhaps mind your own business, the hardest advice…

 

Advice we get often. Many people love giving advice, especially when it comes from the voice within to sweet their ego, because to be honest, it’s rarely given on some attempt of sympathy, and I kind of get it. Advising has more to do with katharsis than with advice itself. We just need to project it to someone, make that someone a target of our inner voice and disguise it as a sort of care, but it’s not, not really, I mean, and it becomes necessary at some point. Immigrants need to project a lot, in every tense, mostly on past tense. Nobody wants to admit mistakes or, perhaps phrasing it differently; people often find in the action of giving advice a hidden confession of mistakes once made. Yes. I think it is that way. Friday, lazy Friday. I better get a coffee and get back to work too. Saturday afternoon. Cynicism over resentment, I was sort gravitating my thoughts. We must believe in something, someone; careful, it’s risky, I know, but we have to believe, we have to chose to believe, because otherwise we become cynical, and such a pose tends to reveal resentment in disguise. In Venezuela Chavez sold out the idea, in his signatured (I give him that) style, or way, that resentment came up as a consequence of a failed and corrupt system implemented for over forty years, and that’s why there were so many with no chance whatsoever. Chances never came for those people, to be honest, but the idea that those then in power might lose their status over a change of system, got many enchanted enough to transform a promise into disgrace, and the disgrace was the plan since the beginning. Only that we thought it was about verbiage and a matter of procedures, but they; the chavistas in power, they achieved their goal, systematically, and by steps of depth. Now the Venezuelan problem affects the whole continent, and only a few can ignore it. Here I go again, for a Saturday, for a sunny afternoon on a nap time. So back to the resentment, people thought it was fair, and the government made it look that way for perhaps almost ten years, enough time to convince a whole generation of it, then the resentment, once there, once among many, burst into what it has always been: a spoil born out of failure, a failure commonly confused with unjust. There are unjust cases, of course. A society, a social system will always have flaws, but their anger is not because the former system failed them, because they were outcasted from it, not, the anger is for not trying harder, because there was always someone preaching that hard was not fair, and fair was what we deserved. Nos we’re all fairly broken, and many decided to start over elsewhere, and back to the song: here I go again!

 

The war: how difficult is to understand why they come up in modern times. It used to be like, easier to get when it was about territory, power, siege, expansionism, but nowadays, I’m not sure. People claim so lightly that it is over resources, I kind of disagree, I mean, you can just buy them off, out, in perpetuity, all of it, however the case may be. They are all for sale, and it’s much cheaper just to do business rather than destroy a whole place to rebuild it again and take whatever resource you were looking for at first. I don’t think it works out that way anymore. I don’t think it’s about expansionism either, I mean, what’s the use of having more territory, taxes? Again, resources? Come on! It’s too expensive. It has to be something else, something unclear for the commoner, as many other never ever understandable phenomena of the human race. Music fades. Language barrier, that’s how it is called when you can’t make yourself understood. Halfway meeting again. I’m cool with that. Program Information Report. I should focus more on it. I’m about to, but my fingers need some dancing, and this keyboard is pretty much their dance floor. I should get a music keyword and learn how to play it, but I’m going to need a level of abstraction and concentration that right now are impossible to obtain, regardless of what’s within or outside, it won’t matter at this point. We’re getting into a state of splitable thinking and rearranged reasonings, and I’m afraid it will turn perpetual eventually. An empty room and a cell phone to simulate joy, wisdom and lifestyle. Followers of unapplicable opinions. See you soon! 

Eighth Page

 

Hopes and uncertainty. I had this pain again, my ear, my head, even when I’m trying to eat, to rest, it is there, as it were expecting something from me: reminding me of something I should be doing but I haven’t started yet, and I haven’t started it indeed because I don’t want to, because I don’t like to, but it’s not, and if it is so, well, I don’t know. What I do know is that as the pain it is, and as the pain I’m calling it, it makes me remember some other pains, pains from other times, with other faces, pains I don’t write in this language, but in the language of silence, of loneliness, it must be more is sounding in one ear, at least I can listen to music, in spite of the pain. News, once again, don’t look promising, they look more like unmet goals, like undone jobs, like regret, like past tense full of imperfections, and imperfections we count as I can see, and the government wants us to believe in a reggaeton concert. I doble hate them, but here I am, now listening to hearts break even from Bon Jovi, to me, it is an underrated song, it is as good as any other on the radio, but that’s the beauty of listening to the music when it comes from an artist you had already connected to, and not because the radio is suggesting it. There it is, again, the pain. I better get back to what I was doing, I don’t even want this coffee. That was yesterday. The mood and the vibe are different now. Despite the gray of the day, a few good news have come by to spark a little joy. New music on. I feel like I want to talk about impunity. I think it is a gray area, more like a blurry area perhaps, and each region traces their own borderlines from right to wrong, considering accepted and unaccepted as possible variations, or as second thoughts judgements when it comes to typify whatever we think we can say – and judge – about it. Trying to bring up an example, an action that takes place might be wrong, but not illegal, or it might be illegal, but right. Politicians play an important role in this. Most of the current social problems remain problems precisely for the politicians, but I’m not talking about that. I want to say, somehow, and of course, serve it here, that a certain lack of definition at some laws, defines the idiosyncrasy of a place, or at least influences to a point. I want to believe it, and it might be the reason why, for instance a Venezuelan physician touches you, approaches you more closely, in some cases even dare to a riskier treatment, because in some way he knows that those things won’t cause him any legal issues on his practice as professional, and the patient, mostly, thanks the doctor for that. People are less, let’s say, afraid of hugging, kissing, or standing close to one another, and it is because they weren’t raised thinking they might be violating some legal thing by doing it. Consent has a different interpretation. My point is that societies are not to be evaluated as better or worse, or more, or less developed ones, but as this is here, and that is there. We need to understand that. We need to reach a state in which our culture and the new country’s culture can meet and coexist without setting them apart from each other. Our next generation will surely take that as a gift. In the meantime, as I’ve been saying it all this long; we meet halfway through. This is a throw forth Thursday: we’re going to listen to the music of our teen years, we will rescue those things. We will get tired of social media, we’ll see that is not social anymore, perhaps it never was, but certainly, people will cut off individual conversations. This look-at-me-only approach is showing signs of tiredness. I can feel it. Rock music is there waiting to welcome us all.

 

Busy days are coming up. Trees are dressing their greens. A new home, a new hope. I still need to settle a lot of things but I’m on it. My little Julie, I’m sorry for having failed you. I always thought we would meet again, I always thought I would be there for our last good-bye. I tried to get you here, I tried. I only have this faith that something might happen, but we both know by now that nothing happens, we just make as many attempts as we can until we get things to happen, but it seems that not this time. Not this time and not so many times that I just cry in silence and hope my muted soul for an eventual encounter. You would love our boy. He certainly would love you. There are so many woulds in these lines. Let’s see what science has for us. I wish I could let you know you never left my heart nor will never leave it. Now I better get back to what I was doing.

 

The diary of an immigrant is usually full of expectations, hopes, and perhaps a few existential popups, which come as a result of a constant comparing, and surely as a need to frame all the new within some place built on previous understandings. It is also full of broken promises and unwanted farewells, which add too much weight on any thinking. Perhaps that sort of explains why translating is so hard when talking, when trying to keep up with any random conversation; because the need to say anything must go through the filters of the sentiments and knowledges forced to stay back: that’s where the delay comes from. It’s not that we are retarded, it’s not that we are dumb, it is a whole world full of names, moments and learnings that flows in the unknown, and must be pushed to remain silence: nobody cares, and that is always in present tense…

Tense is this present. A past to remember and hope for. Springtime. How long before things start to work out? Will they ever do in the first place? I want to believe they will. I need to believe they will at least. Coffee. Bitter. It needs more creamer. I love creamer. Creamer is not good according to dieticians, but this hazelnut flavored steam that comes out every time I approach the cup to my lips is quite an event for my silence, for stop thinking about worries and start remembering my desires, in the flesh, in the spirit, but specially in the flesh. I wet my lips with every sip. I wipe them clean with my tongue, a tongue hungry for licking, for a test of skin. I should warn my wife, but we are sad and worried, we need to wait to where our prayers go at the end of the day. Two guitars playing one sound, I must play that song one more time. Time is abstract at this very moment. I’m careless. Not for too long, this is just a pause, not a break, just a pause: a momentum… You’re hanging on tight, baby. You’re giving me strength. I might need a couple of years, a couple of years for a just farewell. God only knows! God and you! Here I stand. A day after the eclipse, a total eclipse of the heart. Not sure if it’s of the heart or to the heart, but in both cases, I guess that a shadow won’t let see that feeling inside for that someone, a someone at the other side of the shadow. What could such a shadow represent in this metaphor?

 

Rainy afternoon. Cubicles have been forced to extra-lights. After a dark morning full of meetings, silences and thoughts are floating from past to future. I got a few of them here willing to become part of a paragraph. Pollen siege. Noses are having a hard time. Too much sugar for the day. I’m reaching the age of body feeling uncomfortable after a couple of cookies. I never thought it would feel so good to go to bed early, nor to be sick after a big portion of dessert. Middle age is hiding behind the pollen, I guess. Summer seems tummy for myself. Goodbye my dear. Thanks for making us happy during that time. You were unique. You picked us. You watched TV with us, stayed with us, comfort us every time we feel down. Always received us joyfully when we got home. You didn’t talk with your tail, because you didn’t have any, but you have this beautiful movement like little jumps from here and there to make yourself understood. I really thought you were going to meet us some day, may be not in this life. Will you be there in the next one? I hope heaven takes you as we did. They will love you as we always will. Let me hug you through these words, let me think of you in my own silence. Windy afternoon, not a Thursday to throw back, it is more like to remember. Back to the trivial. To the pains we mitigate through pills and social media. I keep the sadness to myself. You see. I want to think today that the need for sharing wealth and happiness might come from the fact that sadness is so personal, and so valuable, that no technology has yet been able to exhibit it in any way whatsoever. The pain from the heart is the only one that elevates us from this place, and you don’t care about anything while you are within such an elevation. That’s why media insists on keeping you entertained with each other’s happiness and good times collection guides. Virtual garbage, honestly.

 

Seventh Page

 

This meeting halfway is also halfway lost. Never mind, here we stand. It’s almost time to go. It was a quiet day, a quiet day for noisy times, a quiet self for burning thoughts. I have this in my ears, I have this need to check them all the time. They feel itchy,  specially when I’m stressed out.  I’ve been in the doctor twice already for it: otitis media,  they call it. I’m just burning time, burning time while getting calories. This is the drill. No sugar: how? It is a lot enough quit smoking. Talk show in mute: that’s how I feel when I hang out.  I smile at this words. Night has fallen. Only the led light from the TV is letting us see the living room. Toys and books on the floor. Art can be messy, so words and silences. A pause in air conditioning for breaths to catch. A few kisses to decorate. Fingers want to walk but we just went to sleep. It’s Wednesday now. Cold, but no so much.  The smoke comes and goes as any random post from a social media feed. I wave my hand along with the imaginary melody I’m playing in head. My ears again. The sound of air conditioning is taking its place during this while. Caracas, Caracas again. The Avila and the multiple views.  Message voices upcoming.  See you later!  I was wondering if the times a song is played on the radio has something to do with the money they must be paying for it. Some songs are played so much more than others, I don’t think it obeys to a preference basis. It is hardly unlikely, to be honest.  There is this post repeated so many times, and by different people, assuring that music business has changed, and that nowadays it must be branded through social media: maybe, but I don’t care. I think whoever invests money on social media is who has the say on whatever sort of business gets tried on it. Followers are just that: Followers. The illusion has already been sold and bought by everyone.  It’s simple, we don’t choose, that’s it. Radio plays as told, and any media posts as told, as instructed, along with the trick we are always discovering, or choosing, but not really, and we must accept it. At least they let me still enjoy rock music. Despite of the horrible Reggaeton.

 

Throw back Thursday.   That was yesterday.  Friday, wine out. It’s raining but we’re not walking.  So let’s this flight enchant us with its taste and evocate in silent, as second layers, behind the current talk. Wine in, at home at last. Ghost, always Ghost. What a band! Promises, I think of Cranberries, of Savage Garden. I just can’t keep them. How many times saying “mama-güevo” is enough, by the way? I guess there are not enough times, but at least I can listen to music and regret of the past that is not present, and the present that is not past. What can de we do? As a matter of fact,  doing is a lie, it’s an illusion. All those regrets have brought you here, and here you ate, not there. This world is not made out of if only, but here I am, so here we are… but we can bring up, for pleasure, for stubbornness,  for a need, but in the end it will always be: here I am. I’m kind of drunk. I don’t if I’m just tired. I think I’m just tired. At least I’m not in social media consuming about the princess,  or our prominent contender, who, at the end, has to give up, or pass through, and keep the drama, the anguish, because that’s what politics mean in Venezuela; anguish. Video calls, music is still good. I’m still in charge of it.  I wouldn’t know how to convey this but, when the drums is in its best tempo, guitars are tuned properly,  and the band is just playing at  their best, it is just magical,  and the fact that we can feel it and share it, the fact that technology is also served for such a purpose,  it just makes the world better. I toast to rock music and everything rock music has given us, given me, at least.  Saturday afternoon. Headache is barely gone, it wasn’t a good morning because of it. I’ve been reading a couple of headlines from Venezuela.  The contender has chosen a champion to run as candidate. I may have mentioned that there is this woman who has stood up against the regime for more than twenty years, and finally, the local traditional opposition agreed to let her, not without complaining, be the only contender to represent those who can’t stand the chavismo anymore. This is not a democracy,  so this woman was banned to run in these elections.  For this story, and for so many others too, the magical realism can’t be taken off the narrative; it’s the way we are. The woman, now carrying the hope of practically the entire nation, has named another woman to run in her behalf, this in order to be able to run for the elections, since the government won’t allow her in the first place. Will the mechanism be fair? Of course not. Will this work out? We don’t know, but as a Venezuelan,  I can only hope for the best, and this seems to be our best this year. We have a strategy every year that ends up in failure. This is our new one, so faith is selling at this time, and only time will tell, by the way! Sunday, morning, coffee with hazelnuts creamer after a great cassava arepa with perico. Just great! Traditions, religious ones included, tend to have to do with the place, now that I think about it. In Venezuela,  today is Domingo de Ramos, it is a good day to go to church and bless the handcrafted crosses we make out dried palm leaves. There are no palm leaves here, and the weather at this time is not working out for palm trees. No church and no cross then, I guess. Don’t misunderstand me, that never compromises faith. Faith is here, there, everywhere, in spite of the cynics and the mass information.   There is a happy palm Sunday,  indeed! It’s just me that I haven’t searched enough. It's good to know. So, happy palm Sunday for everyone!

 

Operaciones básicas como preposiciones.

 

Tenemos este filtro de agua touchless que hace que el dedo se canse incluso mas que con uno común y corriente. Cosas de la modernidad. Modernidad que, en efecto, poco a poco nos ha ido mudando de lugares, lugares para el olvido, ese que se mantiene lleno de memoria, y que el teléfono ahora distorsiona, porque resulta que como se recuerda no fue, si no como se relata, y por quien es relatado, por cierto, y por las redes, con el teclado en inglés, y por supuesto: en spanglish universal. Este por no multiplica, lo sé, fueron muchos, como mucho somos ahora y por lo tanto cada vez menos especiales, mas generales, mas predecibles, entre nosotros, difícilmente entre ellos, para ellos seguimos siendo parte de lo mismo, y lo mismo vamos siendo.  Entre nos, por si acaso, menos somos, pero ya no más. Me encanta como te queda ese vestido verde. Las manos se me van solas. Solas son las acciones que no se conjugan, sin jugo por el azúcar, el edulcorante. El ayuno intermitente de fe; el alma y sus modas sin modales, que sea por la luz para culparla, pero ya es primavera. En mi país le decimos echar carro, y no lo pienso explicar. Me faltan las tildes y muchas cosas más. Tengo música, antes no la tenía, así que estamos en ventaja. Un melómano es mucho mas productivo escuchando lo que le gusta. Me quedo pensando en el vino, sin ir, sin haber llegado. Ya son mas de cuatro años. Salud de día, imaginario, touchless, como el filtro, con agua, durante la hora de receso… más o menos, entre y por

 

Saludos en letras

 

No he vuelto, pero a veces las ganas de escribir brotan.

 

Sixth page VI

 

Wednesday. A month later, a month of drowned thoughts that never learned to swim. Here I am at the shore of my cavitation, waves of advice come and go. There’s too much to pay and too little to earn. I’m kind of addicted to bad times, they’re always close, alongside. Wine, always wine. I’m kind of waiting some help to knock on my door like a relative from Venezuela, who magically managed to get through against all odds and made it here. It’s the way we are; picturesque, that’s the most suitable word for us. We need to go back and across the entire family, neighborhood,  childhood, just to give an excuse of why we’re coming late for work, for example. Caracas, sometimes I think about you. It’s hard. There are a few names I like to evocate, names I wish I could,  names that never meant to be, names that my social media brings up, names, names and moments: I’m smiling right now. I’m smiling at the fact that I’m about to be evicted. Eviction is quite a word. TV is on. My boy, my everything. Something has to happen.  Wine is almost over. Winter is gone too. I reduced my spectrum,  I have even less people to talk to, to vent, to speak my mind. I’m just stacking words, building a train of nonsense going on the railroad of what I’m thinking when I’m sitting on the toilet, and I have to get a shower, by the way. Let’s rest. Worries are getting me and I need ideas, money,  but I don’t have any, and I get paid in two days. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think.  I’m disregarding of everything I just wrote lately; not because I’m not feeling it but because I don’t remember it, and I don’t want to go ut supra to be in context again. Today, I don’t care. I was thinking what if this is ever published? What sort of story this should be? This is a diary, not dairy, despite my intolerance, which I’m not, I mean, I might be, but I don’t care, I love dairy products,  but this is, in spite my thoughts, a Diary: the Diary of a settlement in the world of an immigrant. An adaptation of a new life, mixed with middle age crisis and first time parenthood; a man in his forties finding out what he left and how to keep going on without it. Nothing really promising,  nor original, but very Venezuelan indeed, and that means, that what’s missing will never matter as long as we get with this comfy place (literal or figurative) available, on hand, to stay there for a while, so we can smile at our sorrows, and fight back again. Wine takes me there, mostly, Cerati too. A Letter to Elise again in my ears: I love it! Thanks God It’s Friday! At work, but my myself. Voices floating, but I’m here… nothing wrong with that! Evening is greeting, a child program on TV, everyone in their own thing. I was thinking about reading a book, I may grab it but it will not work. I might have to cut it, so let’s stay with the phone. Wine time is coming. I wanted to leave here this thought I’ve been dreaming about and, it is that I kind of feel how some pieces of me start parting from myself to my son; it’s quite an honor, actually, to be honest. Will some of me live on in him? Is that how we remain in this world after we die? If so, do we die at all? What if every dead person is just spread out in people who got something from them? Wasn’t something like that this Prince from Oscar Wilde? I tend to think this is also how we talk to God: by writing and letting go whatever flows and burns behind social smiles and focused silences. There is the noise: nothing for me except the glass of wine. Shapes, the time of shapes: circle, every circle seen is declared. My son sees it as a shape, and I see it as a reflection. An answerless reflection,  by the way. I didn’t get to read and I knew it.  Night time. A movie, perhaps. There are some cookies and a bit less than have of a bottle of wine. Silence is here. It suddenly came. I thought it was only in the office but it seems like it cane hiding in one of my pockets.  I really need to figure it out. A rainy Saturday,  inexplicably amusing. Everyone woke up in good mood today. The smell and the taste of coffee has taken over, lips are having somehow a good time. Alright, let’s keep going: pieces of us. Features (rather than skills, but it can be just aspects, I guess) have started to transfer: it’s a wonderful feeling.  It also means that the time to get totally transformed is coming. I just wish to accomplish a few things before that. God, please, let me stay here, healthy, and working for such things. We could say, assuming that I might have a point, that puberty is the time when you start collecting for the next generation; childhood is when we collect for ourselves. Then when adulthood comes up, and it’s more like struggling back and forth with the time left and the expectations still unmet. We’re keeping the good mood. We’re going to have difficult times, again, but here we are, happy, yes, great! Let’s drink to that! Presidential elections are on the schedule: here and there, the clown decided to run again. First, a war threat, then carnivals, and now the anticipation of the elections. That’s Venezuela, and the people keep with the hope, the good mood. Perhaps that’s why I am how I am, I can’t tell. Come undone is sounding, I have two bottles in my system at this time. It’s time to stop, indeed, A view to a kill sounds now: dance into the fire then, or whatever it says… Sunny, early, time change. I noticed that because of the microwave; probably the only device not connected to the network.

 

This is Wednesday.  Evening.  Everyone is angry. Anger is kind of like a rain falling and getting all wet. Despite the umbrella, despite the boots, somehow it gets into your socks… and it’s never selfish.  We always want to share it, to pass it through.  I need to write this before I forget it: fulfillment is a place, a place we build over the years and,  once it has some room, once we fit in, we start understanding that what you didn’t bring is because you never needed it. I hope to be able to show that to my son. I want him to build his place for fulfillment, somewhere he can leave worries out and forget for a while, because obligations will always wait, but a pause is good from time to time, and thus, if he gets hurt, he can use it to feel better again. I will try my best. So Anger, Anger needs to be shared, that’s the only way to transform it. I must go, by the way. I feel like I need to close my eyes and hug my parents, tell them that I love them, pick up my wife and tell her it’s going to be fine, that we need nothing but ourselves. I have to get back to work. I love this job! Napping, trying but anxiety tends to take over. The need to be inside any feed on social media is, let’s say, dumbing me up. Fortunately I believe whatever wisdom I might have collected,  is probably already passed to my son. That’s narcissistic, to be honest. Who isn’t in these days! We need to consider we are presenting our lives as a slide show full of wealth understood as good. We have already talked about this before. Let’s go back to resting. I should get some sleep. It’s not Sunday yet. Saturday evening indeed. Daylight is lasting a bit longer, so we can take a walk before it gets dark. It’s good if we intent to open a bottle of wine. Cheers already! Time is becoming wind and as wind It’s touching my face, making me close my eyes and forget where I step. Music is playing chaperon, then I’m not alone. I open my eyes, and I’m already in my living room; having a glass. I was evocating, as I try to do when I’m alone. Time again, like I just said; it has its power, and now it’s becoming light, indoors light for a indoors contemplation. Cronos is how they call you, right? Well then: thank you, thank you for everything.  I know I’m not grateful most of the time but I do appreciate all, and I actually can tell when it’s you. Night has fallen. There is some discomfort. I wanted to complain,  to make an scene out of it but then I realized; why, what am I complaining about, whatever bothering me has always been there, and it didn’t come out of nothing I haven’t done previously to make it happen. So I just remained quiet, as always; keeping the bitterness to myself to drown it with the wine I’m drinking,  or digest it with all the junk food I have to then feel regretful for it. My belly won’t stop growing with regrets, and time, time won’t do (and there’s no need, actually) won’t do anything to stop it, or delay it. This is all on me.  Tuesday morning. An arepa is put on. I think that could be the most suitable way to say “montar” in the context of cooking for an arepa. So I’m putting on an arepa for my son before leaving.  I have to work. It’s cold. Unnecessarily cold. I write while I wait for the engine to warm up. There are opinions about this but it is already an old habit and this is an old car too. Let’s go. I used to feel kind of like a poser when wearing sunglasses but now, now I just got used to it. I might still look a poser but I just don’t care anymore. The value of the benefit overcomes the shame from the shyness.  Puberty issues, I know. Now let’s get back to work. Not before a coffee,  of course.

 

Sixth page V

 

Sunday, Foggy. A terrible music has just passed by, fortunately for me, it was a car moving and it’s gone. It’s a shame that, in times of endless access, music get to be that bad. Good music is surviving thanks to Nostalgia but… but I’m holding my second glass of wine and, when second glasses get served,  guilt and remorse just pack their bags and leave. Only anecdotes stay because they can see some way out despite the promises and memories, although made up stories tend to pop up like a unwanted internet publicity; which there’s no choice about it. So They just come, and now I talk, but I meant it then; almost two months ago. All these faces and says went on vacation to nowhere,  and I think they could be back since technology allows it so. We are in the middle of the road. Let’s see what this new year offers us while we keep on our catharsis since we have no friends at all.

 

I kind of like how my mind works. That’s actually why I forced myself to come back to writing. I just can’t think of several things at once. When something worries me, I can’t function at the rest of things, and when I’m writing  I kind of let go that worry for a while, so I need to write a lot for now, and I need to apologize to an audience,  whenever it may be around, for making you people read words that are not trying to convey any message but to calm their author down. What if it came out, kind of like it always does, a new study; only this time revealing that our dead remains are not the ones we buried, but that it turns out there is this discovery: implying that everything we've put under, experiences some phenomenon transformation to a point of exchanging, pretty much everything,  anything: from bones to caskets, and those we pray and praised, are not indeed ours anymore. I was thinking about that because I remember Chávez, along with all his staff, explaining boringly and tirelessly the importance of bringing dead remains from abroad, also the need to practice an exhumation to those resting on national soil. He wanted to unbury Bolívar. He made a whole show about it. To be honest, I’m not sure if they actually did it. I mean, they might have done it, but they have been for too long holding a position from which anything stated doesn’t have to be true. So why bother, I wonder! It might have been sadism, witchcraft: sure but, when it comes to those people: the high leaders of the ruling party – Chávez and some others are dead now – the concept of truth, or righteousness, are not subjected to an actual accountable reality. We don’t even know where Maduro was born. So I was thinking: what if all that waste of resources did actually provoke something; something we may never know. What if God in his own way is punishing us as a nation for all these excesses. There must be some further reasons why, despite of moving out, there are many in pain still. We don’t collect too many stories of success outside the academy or the sport field. Have we ever wondered it? I’m just thinking about it now. Debts make you think a lot…

One sigh, then silence,  then another sigh; this one louder than the previous one. Everyone is covering their cubicles: private little rooms behind curtains, like artists on stage not yet performing, but getting ready to, checking their lines, tuning their instruments,  making a last phone call before the show; this show, showing up and on despite the thoughts. Perhaps that explains the silence. Enjoy the silence with Depeche Mode.

 

Almost noon. Restroom first.  It’s hard to call it restroom after I-don’t-know-how-many-years calling it bathroom.  That is a lot of a second language thing, just like Where have you been. I was asked that question before and I have answered it like: I’ve been in Europe a few times, but that’s not what it was meant to be when it was asked. That’s the thing when we translate first, and it’s fine, I mean, we just have to get used to be a little behind and understand that, to others, we might sound a bit naive sometimes. Mischief, slyness, they come out better suited from the first language, but again: it’s fine. The Sound of Silence is another song, or so I think it is. The thing is that this symphony has more to do with little cough,  a sneeze from time to time, and steps; back and forth, in stereo mode: “surrounding me, going down on me” – now guess what song is that – I see my thoughts in songs, I can’t help it. I think some wine should be taking care of this thirst over my lips, like a kiss right after shutting up a sexy female voice, but neither the kiss nor the wine are dealing with this dryness. I’m writing instead: terrible deal. Another morning. Rainy. Not cold, but rainy. The sky got painted in gray. No sunshine for the moment, no brightness for the words. Dark words instead, more like bored words. Why this need to complain about anything? How do we get annoyed from things that doesn’t happen that often? I want to blame this intolerance on social media: the need for the sudden comes with lack of patience for anything else. Green tea, not like coffee but the virtual agreement places it healthier,  so here I am. It’s quiet, it’s early and Friday, by the way!

 

A statement has come for visit. I’m not sure that I want it to be part of my perception,  but I want to hear it. This is a silent life full of indistinguishable voices; I hear them all the time, when I’m trying to come around, or now where I am sitting on the toilet, which is not figurative,  by the way. I hear them say my words will be only mine and that’s why I remain quiet.  I’m not sure who might want to come to these phrases but the idea I’m giving space is, that our words will define our sense of a world we’re creating for  our own understanding.  In another way, we are islands of thoughts built out of the words we chose to learn, and by those words we’ll get anything that comes further. Time is timing as many times as necessary; and we prioritize based on those words, and that’s who we are. Would you like to change that? We must incorporate more words, so we can get different angles.  Does anyone want that whatsoever? Disposition meets time, but time is no sharing any speed, so the moment is only ours, and my legs want me to get out.

Sixth page IV

 

Thursday. Not sure if it’s the throw back kind. There are plenty of things I should be doing by now and here I am, still serving words to the void. Is it a void? I don’t think so, I just haven’t found a more appropriate word for it. You see, When you post something word-like basis, you don’t get the same chance for randomness that, for instance; a photo, or a video, so it will be hard for a text to catch someone’s attention over a unknown author; the chances are uncertain, but uncertainty can’t be measure for a fact, therefore we only guess in this case, and we tend to guess because we’re giving it a thought,  which also means consideration, and, as we may come around, there’s a chance to consider when we guess, and such a possible path for consideration will surely provide us all with perspective. The blocks of this chain once started out as a guess, could become a perspective when driven by hope, or persistence; and here we have another chain as well. Let’s keep trying until we reach a suitable deconstruction for this blocks we’re moving, and moving, until we get the value we’ve been searching during all this journey.  Saturday evening: adulthood is more about staying home, have some wine, and rest; relaxed. In fact it sounds like a great plan; perhaps watching some TV too. A weird Tuesday: two days before Thanksgiving. I know it’s not our holiday but it is an important one where I live and it will be a tradition for my son. Misery likes company, but that’s not what I want to say. Why do we take the blame when we haven’t done anything? Enjoy the silence is sounding. Wednesday night. Slipknot comes after. I’m alone; unfit for solving any dispute. Man is sometimes placed in situations in which he is only there to hold on and for nothing. This is one of those days. I just wonder why. I mean, what’s the point. Why the impulse? What for? I don’t know. It seems like there is some sort of force beyond my understanding, pushing me to bear situations just because, and not for any specific purpose. That’s the point of existentialism. Do with life whatever life put you to live. I think I get it. Fine. But why? I mean, what a waste of energy and essence. I’m here wondering why. I guess work helps avoid this: I need to go to work, maybe? Perhaps change this life. What about what I feel? Am I allowed to convey my feelings to anywhere? To somewhere? And if so, what would be the point? I just need to figure it out… but it’s hard. It seems like I know what I should do but I don’t want to. Fine, but why I don’t want to? Love is something,  definitely, and I drink to that. Ghost is sounding on TV. Let’s just enjoy it. Music is a shelter in its own way. So let’s find some rest there. There’s nowhere to go right now. We made it to Thursday once more. Wine awaits and so the turkey,  because it’s not done. First bottle while making it, my wife, not me, but before that I’m sticking with my boy: he’s taking a nap. A toddler sleeping is a moment for everyone else to do what they have to do. I’m watching him, by the way. Moody is an interesting word, especially when we understand how far can it cover when talking about someone,  or something. Another sigh with no name, another look up without any answer.  Words don’t want to rain, they chose wind; cold wind, over faces, to make us look down instead. The answer lies within, I guess. It’s a song too, as a matter of fact. Pardon my English,  just in case. Unfinished works, we have plenty, specially during the Chávez era. I heard this joke where, at some point in a far future, such works will be thought as ancient remains from an extinct civilization. Actually that’s how they look like right now. Guarenas, Guatire, what a couple of places. Maracay, Coro, and several others: places we want to call cities and, once we get there, once we share with their people, we start getting the idea of why (and perhaps how) the country took the turn it took, and maybe, where it ended up nowadays. Our immigrant community is full of people from such places. That explains pretty much a lot of things, now we’re building a better version of what we have been, and it is quite challenging, but here we stand: struggling to prosper, for our children mostly, in particular. Sunday, indoors,  it’s cold outside,  sunny, but cold. TV for now. Still indoors, still cold. The sun is wiping some clouds away to give us some blue in spite of the gray; gray is actually feeling a bit cold. We should give more hugs indeed. There’s no milk, I should get some. Rainy Monday. A bitter taste after knowing some about certain expenses. The sound of industry,  once more. Not so sure if it’s the sound of progress anymore.  Actually I started seeing progress as an abstraction, kind of like happiness,  I mean: there is not a specific, countable situation beforehand, in which you can state you’ll be happy once you get there, notwithstanding hope or faith. It is more a promise to keep and a feeling to fulfill, understanding that circumstances are personal, and personal are the insights from any of them. Progress gravitate in that very spectrum as well, in my opinion. And we meet halfway as always. I sent an email several times, and still don’t know if I said what I wanted to say. What if history has some of it? Socrates and Plato, or Christopher Columbus, the very Simon Bolivar; whose good part of his life we’ve told about comes from the what it’s written according to O’Leary. Who said those lives, as we learned them, are not in fact a halfway of different people through the years. The way we find out about history is pretty much the same for fiction: languages trying to become a thought and survive as means of information despite the barriers of time. We get what we want to get from these combinations of letters. Even when it’s recorded, like a public speech, we won’t get it whole unless we know the person and the nature of the message. Only that mostly we tend to cherry pick and fit it in our story, or agenda; whatever that strengthens our position over that we think…. But words don’t obey and thoughts have learned how to remain silent and within.  That’s how the survive, we just borrow them for a while, until we move on and step into our next tribulations.  I always think about the value of this, You have to understand me, I really need the money, but at the same time I know, this is just replacing time spent on social media, I still get tired of them sometimes.  Although there’s always someone,  a picture, something, that keeps me coming back to it, kind of like a vice.  Tomorrow will be an important day for Venezuela,  there will be a referendum to decide whether or not the government should claim The Esequibo as venezuelan territory. If it turns out that they have to, that might mean going to war against Guyana, or at least that’s how the media is putting it. I’m still waiting for what comes after. True intentions will reveal themselves after the results, but we could guess, for instance, will it depend on how many people attend to vote tomorrow? And if so, what if numbers aren’t enough? We’re talking about people in power for more than twenty years, despite the rejection,  despite the sanctions, despite the overwhelming unpopularity; do they see an opportunity here we don’t see? We have to wait. It might be what I want to call their circus delay, meaning that they got us used to any move, specially embarrassing, to keep procrastinating and thus remain in power. This very referendum could be one of those moves. Opposition media and opinioners  have been posting pictures of empty voting centers. Let’s see what the clowns have to declare at the end of the day. 

Sixth page III

 

I better go back and check what’s going on with the system.  That was yesterday,  and it’s still so. I came late today, I was doing some business in the morning,  let’s hope it works out. It did, as matter of fact. The sky held this view as though it was going to snow, but we’re still in autumn,  so it was more a painting to my eyes rather than an actual fall of snow. Grass is still green, it is getting more and more leaves on top of it every time. They provide the wind with an extra percussion; they are the cymbals of the landscape. Like a hi-hat during a disco beat: pointing, making you remember, evocate. It’s chilling.  A good time for making love, for remaining naked and in each other’s arms. A good time to reduce the world into a bed…  stay there, stay there until blood pressure does its magic, so we get ready for another round. I’m hungry,  but just a bit thirstier, so I get some water. I sit on the couch in the living room… try to have a sort of balance of past facts, up to the present, all in my head, in silence; looking up with the lights off. Blinking, once, twice, and as many times as anxiety pushes for. It’s not panic, not yet at least. It’s just that, for some irony, worries come right after sex. Sunday, evening, probably the first of the last days for this text. My eighty-thousand words project will have stop at half of it. It was great to try, but I don’t get paid for writing; unfortunately for me. May these words I’m serving here, a bit of reflection, a bit of a story, and a bit of just fiction; a message for my baby boy – I love you too much – and, or, any upcoming eyes who dare spend some time here: welcome! And Thank you! Monday, an expecting morning.  News to be briefed about and decisions to be made because of. It started cold, chilling, and also quiet. Machines have been turned on .  The sound of industry, once again, once more. Question-answer communication: commands.  Yes, No. Here. There. Boxes are coming down to the pack stations. Am I going to miss all this? Who knows! Routines are stronger than passions, or something like that. I’m waiting for an answer,  and not a unpersonal one, by the way. The answer came. I think it’s a good one. Let’s see.

 

There’s a story here. The story of the broken glass. Time, money, both wasted, a lose-lose situation. I came up with this thing that, in order to safe some time, I start the car and let it heat fir a few minutes, so when it comes to leave, it will be ready to go then. Old habits die hard, right? I locked every door because… because that’s what we do back home. There’s no way a car is left open where I am from. I can’t help it, even by being conscious that I must leave it open, I lock it as a reflex. So I did it, as usual, only this time I left the keys inside. It was getting late, and it was cold already. I went upstairs to find something to open it with. I couldn’t. I don’t know anything about these things. The day before I had seen a tree with some branches looking like falling down. I thought I should move the car some spot else, but I didn’t, I just forgot about it. Now the car was on, with the keys inside, and a branch of a tree ready to fall down over it… at least I didn’t break the glass myself. Nature took care of my situation and, as these words take place, (and form of a message) I’m sitting here, several miles away from work, not getting any money while waiting for the glass to be replaced, and not before a whole trip under this chilling weather. All this with the purpose of saving time. I want to go to the bathroom,  but the adrenaline won’t let me. I said that this journey is coming to a stop, to a cut. I think I might have a few moments before that. This one for instance,  despite the bad time, I managed to serve a few words about it. Everyone was mad at home, and they have a point: these times are already pushing us to waste,  why helping them waste more? It is funny, even cute, when I am in situations like this one (more often that I would like to, by the way) and someone from the staff asks If I’m dropping the car off to pick it up later… I mean, sure! Only that I can’t afford it. So waiting, meaning wasting, seems to be unavoidable for people like myself.  There is a guy in front of me working with his laptop, taking advantage of the situation, surely making some money, or at least spending this time wisely (I assume we all have a broken glass here) and I, I am writing, documenting my experience for, for my own amusement,  I guess. Laughing internally at my own expense; what else can I do? I do have a laptop, but it’s at home, and I don’t really work with it. I thought such a day will come soon, but soon seems far from where I stand (or sit) at least I am not just lost in Instagram.  I haven’t even opened it. That’s something,  considering the circumstance I am under. The day didn’t end that bad. I want to believe that this broken glass situation represents a metaphor in my life, symbolizing somehow the break of a past to start over new. Good things happen too and we must embrace them, not with irony, but with hope. Family comes first. I’m going to have some wine, surely.  See you later!